Marriage, Mortality, Relationships, and Work

I went to a friend’s wedding today.  She married, for the first time, in her early fifties.  I was in my very early twenties when I married (if I knew then what I know now… and all).  But that’s the point – I didn’t know anything and, being a guy, still don’t.  It just made me wonder if I would be interested in marrying for the first time at fifty.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so in love with my wife that sometimes even I can’t stand me.

Thoughts on mortality kick in here…

My wife and I used to spend each Valentine’s day with several other couples.  Unfortunately, two of the women in our group passed away two years ago (about four months apart).  One was kind of expected (kidney failure), but the other was a total surprise (outpatient surgery complications).  The husband of the first has still not recovered and is struggling through life.  The husband of the second is getting remarried next week to a college friend and widow of another life-long friend.

And, the work involved in relationships…

I get so set in my ways.  After twenty-six years of marriage, I can’t imagine not being married.  Yet, when my wife asked me recently if I would remarry if she were to die, I said no.  She asked me why and my first and only thought was that relationships are too much work.  She seemed kind of offended (after 26 years I’m beginning to notice some of the signs).  I explained that although love is work, she makes it easy (nice out).  However, the work involved in a relationship (at least for me) is about making the changes in myself to make me a better person to be around.  With me, that’s a lot of work.

Who I want to Become and Another “Bucket Lister”

I happened across Doug, another “bucket lister” http://douggeivett.wordpress.com/2008/07/24/my-bucket-list/ and found his post interesting.  He responed to yesterday’s post with this thought:

There are several ways to go about this business of working on a bucket list. One is simply to make a list of things I feel especially compelled to do before “kicking the bucket,” and tick them off as each is done. But it could be useful to ask why those particular things are on my list. What does my list say about me? And is that the kind of person I want to be when I’ve finished my business here on earth? An alternative is to think strictly in terms of what sort of person I wish to become, then get busy becoming that sort of person. But how do you do that?

Good questions.

As I think about the kind of person I (still) hope to be, I am struck by the words of Michelangelo when he was asked how he could turn a block of stone into a beautiful angelic statue.  He responded with something to this effect: “I see the angel inside the block of stone and remove everything that doesn’t belong.”  That is (more or less) what my list has become for me – a vision of who I want to become and a chipping away of what doesn’t belong. 

It became much easier after my kids were born.  I wanted to be the kind of person who could be patient with them as they grew up and developed into the kind of people who could be patient with me as I grew old.